Somewhere in this life there is peace. For many it is in the hands of death itself. There are moments in my life that such tranquility has showed its face, but they are few and far between.
For most of my life I have pursued God, I grew up, in and around Christianity. I gave my whole life to it, even went on to Bible college, eventually becoming a Pastor, and eventually ordained. This was my life, what I knew, what I studied, and resembled how I lived life.
Life unfortunately for me, did not turn out so well. I loved a woman, she loved me, we got married, but we did not live happily ever after. Five and a half years later, she left me. Crushing me. I wanted death. Nothing more than death. This was not a moment of peace. It was bloody hell. I was so depressed, so destroyed, so heartbroken.
Much of my life I feel as if I have been abandoned by those that I loved. Its not that they were not there physically, but they were not there for me emotionally. I grew up with a father that wanted me to not have emotions. And also to do everything he said, whenever he so wanted. I was controlled and abused emotionally. My mom on the other hand, loved me, but it was a love that was too much for me, I became her head to cry on, when I just needed to cry. I had to be strong for her, when in reality I needed her to be strong for me.
Growing up in this household and with this background, I had tremendous fears. I was afraid to do anything, to try anything, and to say no. I learned that I was not good enough, and would never be. Shame, plain old shame. In the Christian world, I was also taught that I was not good enough in one way or another. I was going to Hell, and to continue to experience God’s love I had to constantly read my bible and pray. To prove that I loved him, I also had to spread his word, or else. I did not know it at the time, but this God that I experienced was not a God of love, but a God of hate and control. And if you wanted his approval or love, than you better do all the right things. Growing up in this way, was not peaceful.
Why do I share all this, when I started to talk about peace? Well, because to understand where I have found peace, you need to know a little of my background and my journey. It was January 1st 2015. My wife had been gone for 6 months now, and was serving me with divorce papers in the next few weeks. I had been depressed and crying myself to sleep for that period of time. I could not change my future. It was also at this time that I gave up on God. I became something else, I am still here, and not sure what or who I am anymore with what I use to hold on to. However, I do know that in this state of nothingness and uncertainty, I had a level of peace. That I was ok. Returning to that day. Somewhere in crying my eyes out in a bathtub with no water, I heard something say “Surrender.” I at the time was angry, but eventually those words gave me peace. I stopped fighting and accepted the reality. This was one of those moments of peace.
I cannot really explain it. I just decided that I had had enough of being depressed and controlled, and I let go. I let go of everything. Not just my divorce, but also of letting my parents still control me. I let go of God, I let go of my life, I just gave up on it all. I did not kill myself, but something inside died, and immediately something else took its place. Peace. True tranquility, I at that moment became present. I saw life from a different lens. I became unashamed, and the true me came out.
I would love to say that the peace is still present today, it is not. A year later, but for 6-9 months it lasted, and I had the best time of my life. I want that again, I want to let go. I need to let go. I have to let go, or I will die. Yet, to let go, I do have to die. I have to die inside again, shut it all of. Shut it all down. And surrender. I choose to write this now. Because, I know what I have to do. I am fighting. It’s as if I would prefer pain over peace. Because, strangely in peace, you have no control. And that’s just the beauty of it. You are out of control, but also in love with it. There is no certainty in peace. It truly is the peace that passes all understanding.